TTRPGs are inherently social engagements. More so than they are about rules, about setting or genre, about the characters or their stories. They are about us, the people playing them. Spending time together once a week, a month, whatever it takes, for several hours. Talking about them between sessions. Dreaming and arguing and just hanging out around this hobby, this shared entertainment. Yeah, they’re just games, but the time we carve out from our hectic lives, that’s real. That matters.

Back in my day, we would decide to get together to play games (sometimes on a whim the day of). What we would play and who would run would be decided after we got together. It’s just one of the things we did, like going to the bar or seeing a movie. These days, in my anecdotal experience, it seems like games are often more structured. There’s a GM or two who always run, there’s a set date or dates, and the group meets to play for a a few hours before logging off again. Then again, I’m exclusively playing online now (for reasons), so by view may be skewed a bit.

One thing I’ve learned in recent years just how important it is to maintain your connections and relations with the other players. To me, running and playing games is still very personal, despite the online-only nature of it. When we get together to play every Sunday at to 2pm local time, I’d like to feel like I’m hanging out with friends. That it’s not just a time slot being filled for another online game. To that end, I’d like to surround myself with people that’d like to be part of a group, as well. Not an easy thing to do in general, let alone online. But it’s worth trying, I think.

And it’s work, not going to lie. Whenever I’m looking for a new player, which happens on occasion as peoples’ schedules shift, I try to have a long, honest conversation with whoever shows interested in my pitch. I try to make it as clear as I can that I’m looking for someone to join this group, not just a single game for a few hours. Like joining a team, I guess. It’s a tall order, for sure. Joining an established online group as the new person, it’s intimidating. But I try my best to establish some connection ahead of time. Find common interests, talk about our experiences with games, with the hobby. And I always offer a straight up mulligan–we reserve the right to just say “Thanks, but it’s not working,” if things indeed aren’t working out after a few sessions. This, instead of ghosting or starting drama. Set expectation for each other. Most of the time, it works well, even if it’s not working out in the long run. Sometimes, there’s still drama, but at least we tried.

These days, we hang out on our personal Discord server. I’m the admin, and I organize most events and schedules. But I try not to be in charge if I can help it. I don’t tell people what they can and can’t talk about, unless it’s toxic in some sense (which doesn’t really happen). I do my best to make it feel like a community, a bunch of friends hanging out. And I think it’s working. People chat, hang out. They are getting excited about upcoming games, argue over movies, even play video games together. Whether I’m there or not.

But it is work. It’s a constant effort to keep people involved, engage each other. Luckily, I’m not alone. Some of the members are more active, more chatty, keeping this small, private server alive. And all I can do is be grateful for that. For my friends.

I never want being part of this group feel like a chore. I always reassure everyone that they never need to give a reasons if they can’t make a game. Just a heads-up that they won’t be there. No excuses, no hard feelings.

Don’t take your gaming friends for granted. Even if they’re just words and voices on the other end of the internet. They’re real people, with real feelings and aspirations and problems. Treating online games like they’re just a time slot you fill to play another game might work for some groups. But playing with actual friends, on and offline, can deepen the experience. Make it more personal. More real. If you’re willing to put in the work.

It’s a social hobby, after all.